Right Royal Retro Baby Games

To celebrate the birth of Prince George, the first child of Duke and Duchess Cambridge and the boy who will one day be King, here are some right royal retro games featuring babies. But not royal ones.

Brat
Atari ST, Commodore Amiga (Image Works, 1991)
Released for the Atari ST and Commodore Amiga, Brat is a baby who needs direction, and probably some love and affection. If not, he'll probably get some sort of attention deficit disorder and in twenty years time will become some sort of vigilante computer hacker. In this game, Brat walks in a straight line on a suspended landscape. It is your job to ensure that he doesn't fall off the floating world that he inhabits or come a cropper by hitting any of the obstacles that get in his way. You do this simply by placing objects on his route, mostly direction arrows which tell Brat which direction to take, but there are some other items to place which can be used to combat some of the obstacles. The game is a bit like an isometric Lemmings, quite a simple idea and well-presented, but unfortunately hard and frustrating to play due to being very unforgiving if you make mistakes. Brat is also one of those annoying kids wearing sunglasses, a leather jacket and a sideways baseball cap, a style that has never ever been cool.



Jack the Nipper
ZX Spectrum, Commodore 64, Amstrad CPC, MSX (Gremlin Graphics, 1986)
Taking the role of a trouble-making toddler, you get to explore various comic-book style locations with the aim to cause as much madness and mayhem as possible. If Grand Theft Auto was a 8-bit computer game featuring babies, then this would have been it.

Chuck Rock II: Son of Chuck
Commodore Amiga, Amiga CD32, Sega Master System, Mega Drive/Genesis, Game Gear, Mega-CD (Core Design, 1993)
A side-scrolling platform game featuring Chuck Rock's son. He doesn't quite have his dad's belly yet so defeats enemies using a club. Pretty standard platform fare from a time when pretty standard platformers were abundant. The graphics and sound are great as you'd expect from a Core Design game, but the game itself was lost amongst its competition so is probably not so well-remembered.

 

Wonder Boy
Arcade (Sega, 1986), Sega SG-1000. Sega Master System,  Sega Game Gear (as Revenge of Drancon in USA), ZX Spectrum, Commodore 64, Amstrad CPC, Mobile Phone, Wii Virtual Console (rerelease of Master System version)
Also released as Adventure Island on Nintendo Entertainment System, MSX, Gameboy Advance, Gamate, Gamecube, PlayStation 2, Wii Virtual Console (release of NES version)
We're not sure if Wonder Boy is a baby or just a kid who hasn't yet been potty-trained. Whatever he is, he roams dangerous landscapes wearing a nappy while throwing axes at enemies and beheading end-of-level bosses like some sort of crazed loon in a quest to rescue his girlfriend Tanya. On his journey, Wonder Boy picks up fruit and milk for energy and dolls for bonus points. Sega's Wonder Boy was a fantastically playable arcade game which was converted to consoles and computers aplenty. It was renamed Adventure Island and slightly altered for the Nintendo and MSX. Both Wonder Boy and Adventure Island then continued as two separate gaming franchises with numerous sequels. Whereas Wonder Boy follow-ups became more adventure-based, Adventure Island sequels stuck to being arcade-style platformers.

The Sims
PC, Mac, PlayStation, Xbox, GameCube (Maxis, Electronic Arts, 2000, 2003)
EA and Maxiseseseses' life sim gave gamers the ability to direct virtual human beings through their day-to-day lives. From the mundane events like emptying the bin and going for a wee (or just leaving them to piss themselves) to major life events like getting a job or building an extension on your house to turn it into a games room. Another large part of the game was forming relationships, especially romantic relationships. You could get your Sims to fall in love by flirting, chatting, telling jokes, dancing or attempting a sneaky kiss. Once your Sims had taken that first step in the path of romance, it doesn't take them long to decide to have a baby. After making the decision, the conception, pregnancy and birth happens in seconds and a baby in its basket suddenly appears in your front room. The game then becomes all about looking after your virtual sprog, feeding, changing and cleaning them in the hope that the authorities don't come knocking to take it away. So, if you want to imagine what life is like for Will and Kate, create your own make-believe Royal couple and get them to have a baby.

Baby's Day Out
Sega Mega Drive/Genesis (Hi-Tech Entertainment, 1994)
According to movies in the 1990s, parents were shite. They always seemed to forget their kids. The McCallisters managed to lose Kevin twice in two Home Alone films, and in Baby's Day Out, some infant went for a jolly by itself. I guess anyway. I've never actually seen the film in full. A game based on the film Baby's Day Out was programmed for the Sega Mega Drive/Genesis but was never released. In fact, the game was never actually finished, but what does exist of it - you can find it online if you know where to look - is a heap of stinking crap that probably couldn't have been salvaged and turned into anything worth playing. It might explain why a completed version was never put onto a cartridge. The idea of the game is to guide Baby to the exit of each level. You do this by controlling what looks like an angel, who opens doors, moves objects, and basically makes the route safe. The controls are horrible, gameplay is completely unintuative, the graphics dull and depressing, and I don't think there's any sound to speak of. Or I'd forgotten to turn on my speakers when I played it.

Neighbours (Commodore 64) - TV Tie-ins: Number Two

Don't come the raw prawn with me, ya flamin' gallah!

Game: Neighbours
Format: Commodore 64
Developer: Impulze
Year Released: 1991
Also released on: ZX Spectrum, Atari ST, Commodore Amiga
Now available on: Nothing






Neighbours, everybody needs good Neighbours. With a little understanding, you can find the perfect blend. And so on. Back in the late 1980s and early 1990s, everybody watched Neighbours. They might not admit it but, every evening at 5.35pm, after Children's BBC had finished, millions of people tuned their television sets to BBC One to find out what the residents of Ramsey Street had been up to. This was the era of Madge and Harold, Mrs Mangle and Bouncer, Jim, Paul and Lucy Robinson, Helen Daniels, Jane and Mike (played by Guy Pearce) and of course, Scott and Charlene, played by a young Jason Donovan and Kylie Minogue. The show was so popular that in one year the entire cast were invited to star in the Royal Variety Performance, and a range of merchandise was produced to cash in on its success. There were annuals, board games, jigsaws and computer games. As this website is dedicated to old video games, we'll focus on the computer game version of Neighbours, specifically the Commodore 64 version. Maybe I should start Classic Annuals UK where I could look at old annuals. Before we continue, let's remember the Neighbours theme tune and opening credits.

Ah! Memories! So, how do you transfer a soap opera into a computer game? Easy! Turn it into a racing game! And to ensure it accurately reflects the fact that it's based on a soap from the land down under, include kangaroos and emus as some of the obstacles. Strewth, there's no stereotyping in this game!

Scott appears to be getting over-friendly with a kangaroo.

G'day! Welcome to my garage.

The game opens with a SID rendition of the show's theme tune and a rather plain intro screen. I guarantee you that you'll sit and listen to the full theme tune while trying to remember the words to it. Or maybe that's just me. Afterwards, you pay a visit to Scott Robinson's garage. This is where you can pick from up to four other Ramsey Street residents to be your competitors and either a slow, medium or fast skateboard. There is also a small car and a kangaroo on the floor of the garage, partially covered by a sheet. As we know, every Australian keeps a kangaroo in their garage. Usually next to their barbecue, a crate of Fosters, a boomerang, and a hat with corks dangling from it. You can choose to cover the car or kangaroo with the sheet if you wish. Concealing them will prevent them from appearing in the game.

The characters you can pick as competitors are Lenny (who?), Henry, Matt (not sure who he is either) and Mike. Apparently Lenny could be Charlene. I don't ever recall her being called that but according to a Neighbours website, it was her nickname. You learn something new everyday, don't you? As the game was released in 1991, I don't think Mike, Henry, Scott or Charlene were still in the programme then. I even think their pop careers had taken a nose-dive too by then.

Rack off you dag. Bouncer appears to be in this screenshot. The filthy mongrel!

Scott meets an emu in Ramsey Street. Crikey!

After you've chosen your opposition, a skateboard and decided what to do about your kangaroo, it's time to hit the road. It seems that in a long-forgotten episode, the Ramsey Street youngsters have been out and turned said street into a race track. They also appear to have rearranged the street, making it appear more like a maze than the cul-de-sac familiar to viewers of the TV show. Yourself as Scott Robinson and your competitors line up and begin racing. Rather bizarrely, each competitor has a different mode of transport. You use the skateboard that you picked earlier, and another of the racers also uses a skateboard, but the other competitors use a go-kart, bicycle and what looks like a lawnmower. Not that it really makes any difference to the race itself. Movement around the course is quite fluid although a bit fiddly at first, especially when taking corners. The idea of the game is simply to come first in the race, but making life more difficult are obstacles and the fact that you have to ride through pairs of markers. If you miss the markers, you need to go back on yourself to go through them. Depending on what you did in Scott's garage with your sheet, the obstacles include Mrs Mangle's dog Bouncer, Mrs Mangle herself, open manholes and manhole covers, and kangaroos. Oh yes, not only does every Australian keep a kangaroo in their garage, they also roam suburban streets. Here's a quick fact. In Neighbours, Bouncer, the dog, was paid more than the human actors! He was actually called Bouncer in real life too. That's two things I've learned today.

The best way to describe the gameplay is that it's a cross between Micro Machines, Paperboy and Horace Goes Skiing (or any skiing sim for that matter). Colliding too often results in you losing energy, with your energy bar represented by the Neighbours logo which loses colour as it depletes. If you win the race, you go onto another race where you face more obstacles and hazards, a redesigned street, and pairs of markers that are harder to get through.

I believe this was Lassiter's and Daphne's coffee shop. And that's Australia either side of it in case you need reminded where Neighbours was set.

The race itself is quite fun, but also frustrating. Collisions happen regularly, forcing you back a bit, and break up the flow of the game. If I was any good at the game, this probably wouldn't be a problem. The main problem though is that the street race feels more like a mini game than a full game. Although the game uses Ramsey Street as its setting, and includes the soap's characters, it feels that the game's link to Neighbours is tenuous to the extreme. Translating a soap opera to a computer game is never going to be easy, which is why there are very few other (if any) soap tie-ins, but more could have been made of the licence than just making a racing game with it. I'm not sure how, but a series of mini-games may have worked better. Maybe some sort of pool game in Madge's swimming pool, or trying to smash the windows of the houses by playing cricket in the street as featured in the opening titles (should I really admit that I remember that part from the show's opening?). Or trying to find out how many times you can play truant from Erinsborough High before Fisher expels you? Mr Fisher was Home & Away, wasn't he? Oh well. Anyway, yes, the game just feels like it's missing something and doesn't really capture the feel of the TV show that well. No matter how many kangaroos they insert into it.

The graphics do their job but aren't really that attractive and appear quite blocky even for a Commodore 64 game. Apart from a rendition of the theme tune, there's no other sound to speak of. Maybe the SID chip was exhausted after producing such a musical masterpiece. All in all, Neighbours isn't a terrible game but it's by no means a great game. It plays alright for a short period of time, but doesn't really maintain your interest and can feel a bit of a chore to play. It's quite simply a lazy tie-in, which doesn't represent the show it's based on at all well.

RATINGS
Presentation: 60%
A rather plain title screen, and not really anything going on in between action.
Graphics: 65%
Dull and blocky and don't really represent Ramsey Street that well.
Sound:  55%
The rendition of the Neighbours theme tune isn't too bad, but there isn't any other sound to speak of.
Playability: 65%
Quite fun at first and gets a bit better when you've got used to the controls, but it doesn't maintain your interest and doesn't draw you in for repeat plays.
Overall: 65%
A lazy attempt to cash in on the popularity of the television show.

Neighbours in other neighbourhoods

Aussies on the Speccy! Strewth!

As you'd expect, Neighbours wasn't a Commodore 64 exclusive. Instead, the residents of Ramsey Street found their way onto other computers too. Namely, the ZX Spectrum, Commodore Amiga and Atari ST. The Spectrum version was absolutely awful. With even more fiddly controls than the Commodore 64 version, a horrible version of the theme tune and barely recognisable sprites, you'd be throwing the overpriced cassette onto the barbie within minutes. On the Atari ST and Commodore Amiga, things were a little better. The graphics are much improved, which probably goes without saying due to them being on technically superior machines, and there is a greater variety of enemies and obstacles which make better use of their source material, but the controls are still too fiddly and it just isn't easy, or that fun, to play at all. 

 

The opening screen on the Amiga version. Looks just like the TV show.

 

Traffic cones, cars in the middle of the road, some kid playing with his remote control car. Give me Summer Bay any day.

 

 

Marble Madness - Conversion Comparisons: Number Two

3D games - they've always been the holy grail of games developers; something they've sought to perfect for decades. Nowadays, they've pretty much cracked it, but over the years, we've seen many attempts to take gamers into a third dimension. Amongst them, there were holographic games in the early 1990s from Sega, who also released 3D games for their Master System a little earlier along with 3D glasses, Nintendo with their migraine-inducing Virtual Boy, and with their eyesight-destroying 3DS of current times. But, one style of 3D games that has been around for years and is still around to this very day is the isometric game.

Oh yes, isometric games are games which are actually 2D but look three dimensional due to their dual perspective thingymagic. Or something. In the 1980s, there were such classics as Batman, Head over Heels, Knightlore and, er, Super Trolley. Into the 1990s, and we had Populous, Sonic 3D Blast, which was neither a blast, nor strictly 3D, a crappy sequel to Cool Spot in which the dot in the 7 Up logo went to Hollywood, and Mario RPG and Land Stalker. Around the turn of the millennium, it was becoming clear that isometric games went well with "God"-sims, with games like Theme Hospital, Sim City 3000 and The Sims all using isometric graphics. Today, all manner of lifestyle role-playing games, usually involving farms or cafes or shops or looking after pets populate Facebook and app stores, and in many cases, they're isometric. But one isometric game stands out amongst the rest as the most iconic isometric game there is. That game is Marble Madness, an Atari arcade game from 1984.

In Marble Madness, you take control of a marble, guiding it through a series of mazes to an exit. In your way are traps, enemies and falls. And that's pretty much it. Keep control of your balls, and you'll be fine, but if you let your balls drop too many times, you'll come a cropper. Marble Madness in the arcades featuring Escher-styled levels and a strangely eerie soundtrack which reflected the surrealness of the game, adding immensely to its atmosphere. It received conversions aplenty. But, how well did it convert to the various platforms out there? Let's find out as we compare the comparisons from worst to best.

1. Worst Version: ZX Spectrum
This version of the game is pure crap. On the Spectrum, the game was released twice - first as a Construction Kit and later as a deluxe edition. In either version, the game allows you to guide your marble through various 3D isometric levels, but they're completely different to the arcades. There's no scrolling, so once you each the bottom of a screen, you have to wait for the next one to appear, thus breaking up the flow of the play and sometimes leaving you in a position which results in endless deaths until your time runs out. The game doesn't capture any of the arcade game's atmosphere and just serves as a pile of steaming shit. And what the hell is going on with the music during gameplay? What gets me is the gushing reviews of it from the time. Your Sinclair seemed to think that Amiga owners would get almightily upset by this hunk of dross. Seriously?

2. Gameboy Advance
The conversion to the Gameboy Advance is actually the newest version, being released in 2004, 20 years after the arcade original. And although it accurately copies the arcade game's graphics, which you'd expect it to do, it gets everything else wrong. Sound-wise, the music is a little too funky and completely misses the importance of the finesse of the arcade original's score. Even so, it's all about the gameplay, innit? Unfortunately, Marble Madness on the Gameboy Advance plays like a dog. In the 20 years since its arcade debut, your marble has become quite arthritic, and guiding it around the levels is a chore. It judders and jerks as it slowly moves in the direction you want it to go in. Most of the time it doesn't even want to go in that direction and just shoots off at a random angle. Getting anywhere with this game is pure frustration. And you can't use the excuse that Marble Madness doesn't translate to the small screen, as well shall soon see. Avoid.

3. MS-DOS
I don't know anybody who would have had a computer running MS-DOS in the mid 1980s, but if they did, they would have been able to purchase Marble Madness for it. Not that they would have wanted to. The game features a rather interesting colour scheme, one channel music which sounds awful, and fiddly controls. They aren't too sluggish, but keeping your ball under control is quite a challenge. Bleurgh!

4. Amstrad CPC
This is a similar version to the Spectrum one. What stops it from being right down there at the bottom is the fact that the graphics feature a little bit of colour, the Spectrum's terrible "music" isn't included, and it doesn't feel quite as frustrating to play. It's still a hideous game, but there are worse versions.







5. Atari ST
This version isn't too bad graphics-wise, which you'd expect seeing as it's a 16-Bit version, but elsewhere it isn't great at all. Especially when you consider how well the game was converted to the Amiga. Controls and collision detection are rubbish, with your marble falling off platforms when it is clearly safely situated on top of one, and other places where it appears to be able to float in mid-air, when in fact it should be dropping to the ground. Despite this, the game is not too difficult to get through (although the video of me playing the game a little later doesn't suggest this!), but it just isn't that much fun.

6. Commodore 64
This is actually a similar version to the Atari ST version, obviously with 8-Bit graphics. However, in this version, the marble handles better, and the game seems to play a bit more fairly. The ball feels more like it is rolling rather than sluggishly dragging itself around the levels.

7. Commodore Amiga
This is one of the Amiga's earliest games, and is a great conversion of the arcade original, getting released only two years after the arcade game's debut. It is the best of the home computer ports, featuring accurate reproductions of the graphics, pretty good music and fairly good controls. Not bad at all.

8. Sega Master System
Deciding what should take position 8 was a close call between the Sega Master System and the Nintendo Entertainment System versions. In the end, I decided that the NES version just about pips the Master System version. The Master System version is fun to play, with good graphics and okay music. The controls are alright too, although there are occasions when the marble seems to go out of control.

9. Nintendo Entertainment System
The NES version was converted by Rare. Despite the technical differences between the NES and Master System, this version is more polished all-round and plays more like the arcade game than the Master System version. It also gives you a choice of control method which is quite handy.

10. Nintendo Gameboy
This is a fantastic version and it is truly remarkable how the arcade game was minaturised and squeezed into the little screen of the Gameboy. It looks and sounds great, and plays really fluidly. Whereas some of the games feel a bit of a chore to play, this is actually great fun.

11. Sega Mega Drive
Easily the best home version of Marble Madness is the version released for the Mega Drive. It is pretty much a straight conversion of the arcade game, looking, sounding and playing as close to the original as possible. This verson also features difficulty level settings to make the game easier or harder for you.
Rumour has it that there were actually two versions of Marble Madness released for the Mega Drive. The one everybody knows about is the version released by Electronic Arts for the US and European markets and as described above, it's a fantastic conversion. However, apparently Tengen released a Japanese version, which is even more arcade-perfect. Unfortunately, the game goes for a fortune on eBay, and isn't available as a ROM to be played through an emulator, so finding out whether it is different and/or better than the Electronic Arts version isn't easy.

In conclusion, there were numerous conversions of Marble Madness for a variety of systems, ranging from totally awful yo absolutely terrific. The downside of all versions is that the arcade game was too short, with only six levels, and none of the conversions add anything extra to the arcade game. It might be that the Mega Drive version comes out as best, but did the original price tag of £40 actually represent good value for money? Plus, the arcade game wasn't really that much fun, was it? More annoying than entertaining.

As an extra treat, seeing as I'm now getting a little better a capturing video and putting it on YouTube, here's a video comparing each of the versions above!

New to me: Number 4 - Boulder Dash (Commodore 64)

Boulder Dash's rather ugly title screen

Boulder Dash is one of those games that, for my entire life, has somehow eluded me (or is it evaded? It's probably neither). For unknown reasons, it's a game that I've never played despite it being released numerous times on numerous systems. So, I've decided that now is as good as time as any to dig it out (ho-ho!) and give it a go. The closest I've probably come to playing anything like Boulder Dash was a game called Rubble Trouble on my Acorn Electron. I say probably as, although I've had the game since the late 1980s, I've never managed to get it to work. I must have spent literally hours of my life staring at the"Bad Program, Rewind Tape," error message in the hope that I could just get past the bit on the tape that was causing the problem. For all I know, Rubble Trouble is nothing like Boulder Dash.

If you like the colour brown, you'll love this.

I've chosen to play Boulder Dash on the Commodore 64. This is because it was one of the systems it originally came out on*, and the Commodore 64 is a computer that I haven't had much experience of, so I might as well show it some love now. Plus the C64 has largely been ignored so far on my little blog thing. And also, C64 Boulder Dash is the only version currently available for purchase (it's 500 Wii Points on the Virtual Console - I think it was released on it back in 2008, but it'll probably still show up under new releases seeing as Nintendo nowadays only see fit to release a VC game if there's a full moon on the second Thursday of the month. And that's usually some crappy one on one fighting game for the Neo Geo).

Every now and again, the path will have this weird pattern in it. I don't have any idea why.

More fun with rocks and diamonds.

The aim of Boulder Dash is quite simple. You control Rockford who must collect diamonds hidden in caves. To get to the diamonds, you must clear a path. Littered around each cave are also boulders, and clearing a path below them will cause them to fall into it. Clear too much ground and you'll have a boulder avalanche on your hands. If any falling rocks, or even diamonds, come into contact with Rockford, he dies. Also populating each cave are what are apparently fireflies and butterflies and a strange green ooze. The fireflies and butterflies are lethal on contact, but butterflies produce diamonds when destroyed which is essential for completing some levels. The fireflies simply leave a 9x9 space when destroyed. The ooze will become diamonds if it gets prevented from growing any larger, again necessary for level completion. It'll become a load of boulders if it gets too large.

9 diamonds all for me!!!

To look at, Boulder Dash is nothing amazing. As a game from 1984, its graphics are quite primitive and aren't attractive, but seeing as they are meant to depict rocks and dirt, they actually fit the context of the game quite well. The colour palette changes for each level which ensures that you sense that there is a transition from one level to the next and gives each level its own feel.

As for sounds, the title music is quite unique, not memorable in the slightest, but again seems to fit the game. There is no in-game music, although having now played versions that do have music during gameplay, I prefer it without. Rockford sounds like he's sniffing his way through the levels, rather than digging the dirt out of the way, although the falling rocks have a satisfying rumble and crunch to them, and falling diamonds have a nice tinkling effect as they fall. Like the graphics, the sounds aren't amazing, and don't demonstrate any of the funky effects that the Commodore 64's fabled SID chip was capable of, but they really do fit the game.

Looking at this screenshot, you wouldn't have a clue what you need to do.

Those square things next to the diamonds are fireflies. Oh yes.

It's in the gameplay that Boulder Dash shines. The game is instantly playable but quickly becomes challenging. You need to combine skill and strategy to complete each level safely but within the tight time limits. The game is perfectly balanced in this respect. You can't tackle each level like a bull in a china shop, but you can't take too much time making up your mind where you want to go next. It's all about knowing when to pause for thought to plan your route and when to take a risk and plough through the dirt. Death never feels unfair as it is always caused by your own actions. Each enemy has their own attack pattern, and it doesn't take long to understand how to avoid them, and also how to use them for your own advantage. The movement of the ooze and slime is also quite random, meaning that you will have to rely on reflex skills to tackle them, rather than remembering how you've played the levels before. And although the concept of the game remains constant throughout, each level feels very different and throws a new kind of challenge at you. On the Commodore 64, the levels scroll smoothly and Rockford moves responsively, which all contribute to making the game extremely playable.

For a relatively early game, Boulder Dash packs a great variety of gameplay elements into it. It's a great combination of a puzzle game and an arcade style game and everything in it just feels right. I think what makes the game quite appealing, and could be quite an interesting topic of research, is the whole idea of being able to be destructive, but at the same time to collect as many diamonds as possible. Quite often, not all the diamonds are required to complete a level, but I think it could be quite interesting to see if an element of greed might encourage people to attempt to get them anyway. It's no wonder that the game is still regularly rereleased today, and it makes me wonder why it's taken me so long to discover it.

9/10

*Apparently, Boulder Dash first came out on the Atari 800. However, as that computer was pretty much non-existent here in the UK, I've decided to ignore this fact.