Right Royal Retro Baby Games

To celebrate the birth of Prince George, the first child of Duke and Duchess Cambridge and the boy who will one day be King, here are some right royal retro games featuring babies. But not royal ones.

Brat
Atari ST, Commodore Amiga (Image Works, 1991)
Released for the Atari ST and Commodore Amiga, Brat is a baby who needs direction, and probably some love and affection. If not, he'll probably get some sort of attention deficit disorder and in twenty years time will become some sort of vigilante computer hacker. In this game, Brat walks in a straight line on a suspended landscape. It is your job to ensure that he doesn't fall off the floating world that he inhabits or come a cropper by hitting any of the obstacles that get in his way. You do this simply by placing objects on his route, mostly direction arrows which tell Brat which direction to take, but there are some other items to place which can be used to combat some of the obstacles. The game is a bit like an isometric Lemmings, quite a simple idea and well-presented, but unfortunately hard and frustrating to play due to being very unforgiving if you make mistakes. Brat is also one of those annoying kids wearing sunglasses, a leather jacket and a sideways baseball cap, a style that has never ever been cool.



Jack the Nipper
ZX Spectrum, Commodore 64, Amstrad CPC, MSX (Gremlin Graphics, 1986)
Taking the role of a trouble-making toddler, you get to explore various comic-book style locations with the aim to cause as much madness and mayhem as possible. If Grand Theft Auto was a 8-bit computer game featuring babies, then this would have been it.

Chuck Rock II: Son of Chuck
Commodore Amiga, Amiga CD32, Sega Master System, Mega Drive/Genesis, Game Gear, Mega-CD (Core Design, 1993)
A side-scrolling platform game featuring Chuck Rock's son. He doesn't quite have his dad's belly yet so defeats enemies using a club. Pretty standard platform fare from a time when pretty standard platformers were abundant. The graphics and sound are great as you'd expect from a Core Design game, but the game itself was lost amongst its competition so is probably not so well-remembered.

 

Wonder Boy
Arcade (Sega, 1986), Sega SG-1000. Sega Master System,  Sega Game Gear (as Revenge of Drancon in USA), ZX Spectrum, Commodore 64, Amstrad CPC, Mobile Phone, Wii Virtual Console (rerelease of Master System version)
Also released as Adventure Island on Nintendo Entertainment System, MSX, Gameboy Advance, Gamate, Gamecube, PlayStation 2, Wii Virtual Console (release of NES version)
We're not sure if Wonder Boy is a baby or just a kid who hasn't yet been potty-trained. Whatever he is, he roams dangerous landscapes wearing a nappy while throwing axes at enemies and beheading end-of-level bosses like some sort of crazed loon in a quest to rescue his girlfriend Tanya. On his journey, Wonder Boy picks up fruit and milk for energy and dolls for bonus points. Sega's Wonder Boy was a fantastically playable arcade game which was converted to consoles and computers aplenty. It was renamed Adventure Island and slightly altered for the Nintendo and MSX. Both Wonder Boy and Adventure Island then continued as two separate gaming franchises with numerous sequels. Whereas Wonder Boy follow-ups became more adventure-based, Adventure Island sequels stuck to being arcade-style platformers.

The Sims
PC, Mac, PlayStation, Xbox, GameCube (Maxis, Electronic Arts, 2000, 2003)
EA and Maxiseseseses' life sim gave gamers the ability to direct virtual human beings through their day-to-day lives. From the mundane events like emptying the bin and going for a wee (or just leaving them to piss themselves) to major life events like getting a job or building an extension on your house to turn it into a games room. Another large part of the game was forming relationships, especially romantic relationships. You could get your Sims to fall in love by flirting, chatting, telling jokes, dancing or attempting a sneaky kiss. Once your Sims had taken that first step in the path of romance, it doesn't take them long to decide to have a baby. After making the decision, the conception, pregnancy and birth happens in seconds and a baby in its basket suddenly appears in your front room. The game then becomes all about looking after your virtual sprog, feeding, changing and cleaning them in the hope that the authorities don't come knocking to take it away. So, if you want to imagine what life is like for Will and Kate, create your own make-believe Royal couple and get them to have a baby.

Baby's Day Out
Sega Mega Drive/Genesis (Hi-Tech Entertainment, 1994)
According to movies in the 1990s, parents were shite. They always seemed to forget their kids. The McCallisters managed to lose Kevin twice in two Home Alone films, and in Baby's Day Out, some infant went for a jolly by itself. I guess anyway. I've never actually seen the film in full. A game based on the film Baby's Day Out was programmed for the Sega Mega Drive/Genesis but was never released. In fact, the game was never actually finished, but what does exist of it - you can find it online if you know where to look - is a heap of stinking crap that probably couldn't have been salvaged and turned into anything worth playing. It might explain why a completed version was never put onto a cartridge. The idea of the game is to guide Baby to the exit of each level. You do this by controlling what looks like an angel, who opens doors, moves objects, and basically makes the route safe. The controls are horrible, gameplay is completely unintuative, the graphics dull and depressing, and I don't think there's any sound to speak of. Or I'd forgotten to turn on my speakers when I played it.

Castlevania (NES) - New to Me: Number 9

Castlevania - it all started here....

Game: Castlevania
Format: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developer: Konami
Year Released: 1986 (Japan), 1987 (USA), 1988 (Europe)
Also released on: Famicom Disk System, Commodore 64, Commodore Amiga, DOS, Microsoft Windows, Gameboy Advance 
Now available on: Virtual Console (500 Wii points)

Once upon a time, vampires were the hardmen of horror. They would go around and commit all kinds of socially unacceptable atrocities to satisfy their bloodthirsty desires. If there was any character in fiction that would typify evil, that character would be Count Dracula, the most infamous of vampires. Although Dracula and his cronies seemed to have an unhealthy obsession for young virgins, anything containing blood was fair game to them. Vampires were feared, and quite rightly too. Nowadays though, the reputation of vampires as being Transylvanian terrorists has been tainted somewhat by the popularity of teenage trash such as Twilight and The Vampire Diaries (lots of 't's in that sentence, wasn't actually intentional). In these, the vampires have morals and an awareness of good and bad. They hold upstanding roles in society and prefer to sip from the blood of animals rather than humans. They do well at school, appear to be rather cultured and knowledgable. The Cullen clan in Twilight seem to be a bunch of do-gooding vampire foster kids, all partnering off with each other, in a wimpy vampire version of Home & Away. If only Shannon from Home & Away was in it, it might be more interesting. Or Sophie. Or Angel. Or, er, ahem, where was I? Oh yes, vampires are now pansies. Fortunately, saving us from this current soft image that vampires now appear to possess is Castlevania, a video game featuring vampires in their more traditional guise - as the evil undead.

Entering Castlevania for the first time. The first time of many. Mwahahahahahah!

A cat (or is it a dog) waits to pounce.

Castlevania is a franchise of vampire-themed video games in which the protagonist, usually a descendent of the Belmont family, has to battle with Count Dracula and his assorted pals. Like many long-running game series, the storyline today is as convoluted as can be, with a multitude of story arcs, canons, tangents and diversions that only interest the most die-hard fans. For everyone else, Castlevania is an opportunity to defeat Count Dracula. Or at least, harm him enough so that he doesn't come back for quite a length of time, but hopefully by the time a follow-up is ready. The series began back in the mid-1980s on Nintendo's Famicom Disk System and the MSX 2 as Akumajō Dracula. Although the game on the two systems had the same title and shared a number of similarities, they were also slightly different to each other. The Famicom disk version was slapped onto a cartridge for us westerners and renamed Castlevania, and it is that version that is examined today.

Throwing an axe at a bat.

The 50 Shades of Grey book features a "Red Room of
Pain" (apparently). It was based on this.

Castlevania was a simple platform game - although kind of unique in style - in which you took on the role of Simon Belmont. Simon's quest is simple. Count Dracula has awaken and he needs to be put back to sleep. To get to Dracula, Simon must defeat a number of other enemies, including characters that wouldn't be out of place in Hammer Horror films, such as Frankenstein's monster and The Mummy. The Grim Reaper also makes an appearance. Simon possesses a whip and the ability to carry a second weapon. Initially, the whip is fairly weak and short, but can quickly be upgraded by collecting whip-upgrading power-ups. These power-ups are found by whipping animated ornaments, most often candles. As it doesn't take much effort to actually get the whip upgraded, regardless of where you are in the game, it does seem a little pointless that it needs upgrading in the first place. Although as you progress through the game, losing a life and therefore losing your power-ups, can make battling some of the tougher bosses much more difficult.

An annoying monkey thing is about to bounce around you. Whip the little shit as soon as you can.

Secondary weapons can be collected throughout the game which can be unleashed by pushing up and fire. These include boomarangs, swords, clocks that stop time and axes. You can also collect upgrades that allow you these secondary weapons quicker. Using the weapons is a case of pushing up and fire, so it is sometimes easy for Simon to shoot one off accidentally. That's what she said. Throughout the game you also collect hearts. The number of heart pieces you have collected represents the number of times you can fire the secondary weapons, so it's best saving them up for end of level baddies.

Simon meets his mummy, and his other mummy. He has lesbian parents.

At the top of the screen are two energy bars. One represents your energy, the other represents the energy of the end of level boss, so it doesn't do anything for most of the level. You can replenish your energy by collecting food, which is usually hidden in a platform block or some of the scenery somewhere in a level. In this game, hearts don't increase your health, which is something that takes a small amount of getting used to. Enemy collisions deduct your health.

Medusa's head is on its way. Get the bitch!

There are really only two types of enemies: walking ones and flying and jumpy ones. The walking ones are fairly easy to defeat, although take multiple hits as you get further through the game. The flying and jumpy ones are a pain in the ass though. Medusa's head oscillates its way through the screen, and there are jumpy monkeys and some other weird things that just hop around you and move unpredictably. The controls are ok, but they aren't amazing, feeling a bit stiff and make it a little awkward to time your movements well to avoid collision. A major issue with the game is how colliding with enemies affects you. Simply coming into contact with an enemy is enough to cause Simon Belmont to leap backwards. This becomes frustrating on some levels where if you fall off a platform, you fall to your death. As jumping over some of the enemies isn't always easy, you will find yourself losing lives, somewhat unfairly, all too often.

Duck! Duck now. Oh no, it's a bat.

As the game progresses, it gets extremely tough. This is down to the fact that enemy collisions deduct more and more points from your health. Early levels only see your health deducted by one bar, later levels by four. Added to the additional harm that enemies inflict on you, there are also a lot more enemies to defeat. It's challenging, but also frustrating and doesn't always feel entirely fair. Simalarly, end of level bosses begin by being quite easy to defeat, before getting rediculously tough towards the end.

A big white bird craps out a bald monkey.

The game's appearance is ok. Levels are mostly dark and dingy, although most NES games looked dark and dingy to me. They capture the horror theme quite well, although one level in the middle of the game seems to take place in daylight, which just seems a little out of place. Enemies are fairly well drawn, and Simon's animation is not too bad. The graphics are nothing amazing but do their job and are well suited to the game. Overall presentation is quite good too. The title screen is a fairly standard NES style one, displaying the game's title and little else. The game then shows Simon entering Castlevania before the action begins, and there are little map screens in between each level detaling his progress.

Looks happy, but scary at the same time. Bit like Ronald
McDonald.

As for the sound, the music is quite upbeat, featuring jolly, catchy tunes. Some of these are now classics in the world of video game music, and have gone on to feature in several of Castlevania's sequels and on albums. The music gives the game an arcadey feel, and somehow prevents the game from being seen as overly moody and sombre. Subsequent games retain this kind of soundtrack.

As a franchise that still exists today, it is good to see how many of the ideas the exist in current games began in the very first one. As a platformer in its own right, Castlevania is fun and challenging, if a little frustrating. A lot of 1980s platformers just haven't stood the test of time and are just a chore to play today, but Castlevania is still an enjoyable test of your gaming skills, looking and sounding good too.

It's Skeletor!

RATINGS
Presentation: 75%
Functional presentation which allows you to get into the game easily and suits its purpose well.
Graphics: 72%
Mostly dark and moody and suit the games theme.
Sound: 80%
The birth of some famous video game tunes was in this game. They are typical NES tunes, but not as forgettable as most. 
Playability: 83%
The main character controls well, but is hampered by his reaction when coming into collision with enemies which results in some frustrating and unfair deaths. Gets a bit tough later on, but it's not impossible to complete due to unlimited continues.
Overall: 80%
A high-quality, enjoyable platform game which captures its theme well.

This is a level from the demo seeing as I never got this far into the game when getting these shots.

New to Me: Number 3 - Excitebike (Nintendo Entertainment System)

Not a very "exciting" title screen. Fnar-Fnar!!

Now available on: Wii Virtual Console (500 Wii Points)
Also available on: N64 as unlockable in Excitebike 64, GameCube as unlockable in Animal Crossing and Gameboy Advance

Being a bit of a Sega fanboy when I was young, the Nintendo Entertainment System and its huge range of games passed me by. At the time, this didn't really bother me. I don't think I knew anybody who owned a Nintendo and screenshots of NES games in magazines always looked quite ugly. The colours were drab and gaudy, nothing like the bright vibrant colours of the Master System, and there were none of my arcade favourites available for it, like Wonder Boy, Dynamite Dux (?) or Out Run. My first experience of a NES Mario game was when I played all of them via Super Mario All-Stars on the SNES towards the end of 1993. I didn't get to use an actual NES until 1998 when a university colleague invited me over to her place for tea one evening. After tea, she took me to her bedroom, and we had some Duck Hunt fun. Oo-er! Unfortunately, seeing as I wasn't very good at reading signals in my youth, my attempt at lame innuendo to suggest that something more exciting happened  was pointless as we really did play Duck Hunt on her NES. Knowing how useless I was with the ladies back then, she was most probably lying on her bed in her bra and knickers, and I caught a glimpse of her NES in the corner of my eye and said, "Oh my gosh! I can't believe my luck! I've got to have a go of that!" So I slapped a cart into her slot and had my first duck hunt. Oh well. Anywhoooow, this isn't a blog for me to write about the missed opportunities of my youth. Nope, it's a place for me to write about old video games. Hmmm... how else was I meant to interpret, "Let's go upstairs for some fun and games?"!?.

Duck Hunt how I hate thee

So, er, where was I? Oh yes, so other than Mario All-Stars on the SNES and my studenty misadventures, my exposure to the NES has been minimal. This means that its huge library of games is still waiting to be discovered by my good self, and is a fantastic resource for entries for my "New to Me" section. And so, the first NES game I have chosen to review for my blog is one of the console's earliest games. It's Excitebike. But, before I continue, I need to find out for myself how the game's name is pronounced. Although it's probably a word I've never spoken, I always read it as being pronounced "Excite-a-bike" but looking at its spelling, it's more likely to be "Excite Bike." I will be back to continue with this once I've found out.

Alrighty then, I'm back, and the game's name looks like it's pronounced "Excite Bike," so I've been wrong all my life, or however long the dilemma has haunted me for. On my quest for enlightenment, I found this rather hilarious page which begins with somebody asking the same question and then descends into an amusing argument between people on how to pronounce GIF. Apparently, ignorant people pronounce it with a solid "G" sound, but the more educated correctly pronounce it "Jif". I fall in the ignorant category. It just amused me how grown men (I'm presuming they're grown men) get all uppity and uptight about something so trivial and ultimately completely unimportant. I'm actually feeling quite depressed now. I haven't even started reviewing the game yet, but I've already reminded myself of the time I threw away a potential opportunity for a night of passion with a rather attractive young lady, found out I've been pronouncing Excitebike incorrectly (in my head) for 20+ years, and that I'm apparently ignorant because I say GIF wrong.

Weeeee!!! Or should that be Wiiiiiiiii!!!!??

Putting all of that to one side now (I'll drown my sorrows a little later - think there's some Shandy Bass in the fridge), here's my review of Excitebike. As I've already said somewhere, Excitebike was one of the first games for Nintendo's box of delight (if it wasn't for their stupid gaming system, I could have experienced another box of delight. Alright, I'll stop it now. It was 13 years ago. I'm over it). Released as a launch game in pretty much all territories, the game is typical of an early release - no frills (but plenty of thrills - hoho! I'm on fire tonight!). Upon starting it up, you go straight into the title screen and your options of game modes. There are two modes of play, Selection A and Selection B. They are pretty much the same except that Selection B features computer opponents, whereas Selection A allows you to take on the levels all by your lonesome. There is also a level design mode.

Oh, crumbs! I mistimed that jump something rotten.

On choosing either option, you can then choose to play any of the five levels. Levels take the form of side-scrolling tracks containing hazards and jumps of various shapes and sizes. Your task is simply to make it to the end of the track as quickly as possible, either by avoiding the hazards or smoothly taking each jump. Each track is made up of four lanes and you have the freedom to flip and switch from one lane to the other simply by hitting up or down on your D-pad. Of course, this is necessary to avoid some of the obstacles on the way. Pressing left performs a wheelie, or gives you some lift as you approach jumps. Pressing right does the opposite, pushing the front wheel down, allowing you to make pixel perfect landings on the track to avoid losing time. You have two other buttons to use on your control pad - one to accelerate and the other to use a turbo, handy when approaching jumps. Hold on to the turbo for too long though and the bike overheats, meaning you have to stop for a few seconds for it to cool down.
The screen displays two times to beat. One is in the scrolling background giving you the fastest time for the track, the other - to the bottom left of the screen - is the time for third position. This is the time you need to beat to qualify to go onto the next round.

Woohoo! First!!!!

'Snot the most pleasing colour scheme.

Presentation, as you'd expect for a game nearly thirty years old, is basic but does the job. You can be up and running into a game within seconds of starting it. The tracks change colour for each level, which, although a bit extreme in places (one level is lime green!), adds some variety to things. Sound is also perfectly adequate, with nice little tunes sprinkled throughout the game, engine noises and a warning noise to let you know you're about to overheat.
However, it's in the game's playability that it shines. The bike is easy to handle and it feels like you really are able to influence the its performance by how you control it. Unfortunately, after two weeks of playing, I'm still unable to master the game, but enjoy attempting it no end. Although Selection A and Selection B are basically the same only with competitors on the latter, they feel different. Selection A feels like a time trial, Selection B feels like a race, and it's good seeing that the other racers can be just as incompetent and accident-prone as yourself, and give as good as they get (they can knock you off your back, you can knock them off their's). Artificial intelligence is something that developers still have problems getting right, but, even in 1984, Nintendo did a great job of implementing it well in this game.

Some multi-rider shenaginans going on here

The final feature which, to be honest, didn't really excite me for very long, is the Design mode. This allows you to place your own jumps and obstacles on a track and then race it. Although fun for a few minutes, I just couldn't create any tracks that I really enjoyed playing. Apparently, on its original release, although the game featured options to save your creations, you weren't able to do this as your masterpieces were deleted when the console was switched off (the option to save was left in the game in case something came along in the future to accommodate this though - it was finally implemented for the Wii's Virtual Console rerelease in 2007. Nintendo really were thinking to the future when they made this game!).

I'm going to make this level a tough nut. And then not play it because it's too hard. Oh yes.

So, in conclusion, Excitebike is definitely a fun little game, easy to pick up and play, but hard to master. If you've got a few Wii points left over, this game is definitely worth a look at. It's a fine example of one of the games that begun Nintendo's route to video gaming domination.

8/10